Wednesday, July 1, 2015

The last drops

I knew that I would love being a mom, but I didn't know what that love would feel like.

I knew how important breastfeeding is for helping babies get off to a great start, but I didn't know what those sweet moments would feel like.

I knew that every milestone is a moment to be written down and cherished, but I didn't know what watching my son grow before my eyes would feel like.

I knew how to change diapers, swaddle, properly install a car seat, you name it, but I didn't know what being a mom would feel like.

For 16 and a half months my body has been able to feed Billy breastmilk specifically made for him, a biological tie between the two of us that no one else could provide.  I am so proud of that accomplishment, but more than that,  I have loved the sweet cuddles, rocking, singing, intimate time of just my son and I.

Looking forward and as a planner with no intention of breastfeeding for multiple years, I knew that I would need a timeline to allow myself to accept this next phase of our life without breastfeeding. It has been months of weaning down the feedings one by one, and Billy has been a champion moving forward. Sometimes he will sign for milk when he sees me walk into his room after his nap, or here and there throughout some days, but he has gone with the transitions without ever shedding a tear. But all of a sudden it seems like I blinked and it became July 1st and it was time to transition out of our bedtime nursing routine.

I knew that this day would come, but I didn't know what it would feel like.

These last drops of milk were given to my sweet little boy in a loving cuddle, rocking in his chair as he nursed to sleep. Humming songs, tears streaming, and a memory of nursing cemented on my mommy heart.

Did I know that I could have so much love for a tiny person? That these tiny moments I would want to pause and be able to relive over and over, as I know that time will just get faster and faster? Some favorite moments of my life so far are these nursing moments. I knew I would love being a baby's mommy, but I didn't know what this would feel like.

I know the joys will get better and better as Billy continues to grow and accomplish new life lessons, but looking back at these incredible 16 months of my baby growing into this incredible toddler that talks and runs and laughs and plays, I didn't know the sadness that would come with this joy. I didn't know what this would feel like.

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