My Months as a Momma

"It is not a slight thing when those fresh from God love us." -Charles Dickens

Sweet baby Billy,

You have taught me so many things over the past 3 months, and I can't describe how much my life has changed because of you. My whole world has changed, and now my whole world is you. Now that I am getting more sleep, I am less foggy and realizing the lessons that you have brought into my life.

You have changed my sense of time. I no longer am in a hurry, trying to rush from one thing to the next and forever working on my to-do list. I can sit with you, I can be patient. I can just "be" when I am with you, because that is what you are learning, how to be. You don't know about time and rushing and to-do lists, I want your days to be happy and content with the time we have. You also have helped me realize I have to get over unfinished projects, as being on Billy time is leaving me with tons of those ;) my time is your time, and I am so blessed to spend my time with you.

You have filled my heart with so much love that sometimes it hurts how much I love you. Actual feeling in my heart and back of my throat with how much love I have for you. I did not know that was possible. I love that I can comfort your cries, and how content you are when you snuggle into me. I love that my body provides food for you.  I love when you watch my face and smile back, try to repeat my sounds, and have conversations with me. 

You have made me live in the moment. I now drink in the moments when I get to hold you and cuddle you. Rocking you to sleep after a middle of the night feeding in the dark, or throwing out the to-do list to hold you for the occasional afternoon nap fills my sole with happiness. It's humbling how much you need me, physically and emotionally. I too have learned that I need you.

You have my emotions wrapped up in you. When you are happy it makes me so happy. Those smiles brighten my whole being, and I can not wait for you to laugh! When you are sad, it makes me sad. It hurts me when you are crying. In the beginning when your days and nights were reversed, you were so frustrated when we were trying to put you down to sleep... And believe me, I was frustrated as well. It was not your fault, but that is a tough emotion to process at 3 am. One of the books about baby development said that you think we are one person, and have not learned that we are two... Because I feel your feelings and you see it on my face, but also you feel mine. That's a connection I cannot describe.

At three months you are sitting in your bumbo and Johnny jump up, a little wobbly but oh so cute, trying to roll from back to front, you are smiling, cooing, babbling, and and just talking with a progressively louder voice! Sometimes even a yell that says "hey mom, you need to see this!" When you get an arm out of your swaddle. You've got chunky rolls and two chins, and I love every ounce of you. We will be getting out your 3-6 month clothing in no time, and as I put away the 0-3 months, just like when I put away your newborn clothes, it brings me joy that you are thriving, but also makes me a little sentimental that you will never be that small again. 

In these three months my love for you has grown and grown, and I cannot comprehend how much it will continue to grow over my lifetime. Thank you for all you are teaching me, and please know even when I am tired or away from you here and there that I am so happy and blessed to be your Momma.