The last drops

I knew that I would love being a mom, but I didn't know what that love would feel like.

I knew how important breastfeeding is for helping babies get off to a great start, but I didn't know what those sweet moments would feel like.

I knew that every milestone is a moment to be written down and cherished, but I didn't know what watching my son grow before my eyes would feel like.

I knew how to change diapers, swaddle, properly install a car seat, you name it, but I didn't know what being a mom would feel like.

For 16 and a half months my body has been able to feed Billy breastmilk specifically made for him, a biological tie between the two of us that no one else could provide.  I am so proud of that accomplishment, but more than that,  I have loved the sweet cuddles, rocking, singing, intimate time of just my son and I.

Looking forward and as a planner with no intention of breastfeeding for multiple years, I knew that I would need a timeline to allow myself to accept this next phase of our life without breastfeeding. It has been months of weaning down the feedings one by one, and Billy has been a champion moving forward. Sometimes he will sign for milk when he sees me walk into his room after his nap, or here and there throughout some days, but he has gone with the transitions without ever shedding a tear. But all of a sudden it seems like I blinked and it became July 1st and it was time to transition out of our bedtime nursing routine.

I knew that this day would come, but I didn't know what it would feel like.

These last drops of milk were given to my sweet little boy in a loving cuddle, rocking in his chair as he nursed to sleep. Humming songs, tears streaming, and a memory of nursing cemented on my mommy heart.

Did I know that I could have so much love for a tiny person? That these tiny moments I would want to pause and be able to relive over and over, as I know that time will just get faster and faster? Some favorite moments of my life so far are these nursing moments. I knew I would love being a baby's mommy, but I didn't know what this would feel like.

I know the joys will get better and better as Billy continues to grow and accomplish new life lessons, but looking back at these incredible 16 months of my baby growing into this incredible toddler that talks and runs and laughs and plays, I didn't know the sadness that would come with this joy. I didn't know what this would feel like.

We are supposed to be sleeping...

Some nights I just crawl into bed, some nights I have just gone to sleep, and some nights I'm silently watching Downton Abbey when out of the blue Billy wakes up. I usually wait a little to see if he will just go back to sleep but I often go see him, and often think of how I should be asleep!

However tonight I feel like it was a sweet half hour snuggle and a little momma love that was needed, but that love that I got from Billy and our sweet time together fills my own heart to the brim. Billy is so sweet. I would do anything to make him happy... Will he ever know how happy he makes me?

Sweet Billy, I love being your Momma. I will just have some extra coffee tomorrow ;) 

Mama Love

Each night Brian and I go through a bedtime routine with Billy, and the final moments include saying a night time prayer while I nurse Billy in our rocking chair. This is absolutely of my favorite times of the day, and such a special time for our little family. Tonight we got to the part where we say what we are thankful for, and after saying that we are thankful for our "mama friends and babies" Billy stopped nursing and said "Mama." I looked at Brian and said, "It's like he is saying he is thankful for me" and Billy stopped nursing again and said "Mama"

This Mama had eyes full of tears and a heart full of love. Definitely a moment that I will cherish, forever.

My Months as a Momma

"It is not a slight thing when those fresh from God love us." -Charles Dickens

Sweet baby Billy,

You have taught me so many things over the past 3 months, and I can't describe how much my life has changed because of you. My whole world has changed, and now my whole world is you. Now that I am getting more sleep, I am less foggy and realizing the lessons that you have brought into my life.

You have changed my sense of time. I no longer am in a hurry, trying to rush from one thing to the next and forever working on my to-do list. I can sit with you, I can be patient. I can just "be" when I am with you, because that is what you are learning, how to be. You don't know about time and rushing and to-do lists, I want your days to be happy and content with the time we have. You also have helped me realize I have to get over unfinished projects, as being on Billy time is leaving me with tons of those ;) my time is your time, and I am so blessed to spend my time with you.

You have filled my heart with so much love that sometimes it hurts how much I love you. Actual feeling in my heart and back of my throat with how much love I have for you. I did not know that was possible. I love that I can comfort your cries, and how content you are when you snuggle into me. I love that my body provides food for you.  I love when you watch my face and smile back, try to repeat my sounds, and have conversations with me. 

You have made me live in the moment. I now drink in the moments when I get to hold you and cuddle you. Rocking you to sleep after a middle of the night feeding in the dark, or throwing out the to-do list to hold you for the occasional afternoon nap fills my sole with happiness. It's humbling how much you need me, physically and emotionally. I too have learned that I need you.

You have my emotions wrapped up in you. When you are happy it makes me so happy. Those smiles brighten my whole being, and I can not wait for you to laugh! When you are sad, it makes me sad. It hurts me when you are crying. In the beginning when your days and nights were reversed, you were so frustrated when we were trying to put you down to sleep... And believe me, I was frustrated as well. It was not your fault, but that is a tough emotion to process at 3 am. One of the books about baby development said that you think we are one person, and have not learned that we are two... Because I feel your feelings and you see it on my face, but also you feel mine. That's a connection I cannot describe.

At three months you are sitting in your bumbo and Johnny jump up, a little wobbly but oh so cute, trying to roll from back to front, you are smiling, cooing, babbling, and and just talking with a progressively louder voice! Sometimes even a yell that says "hey mom, you need to see this!" When you get an arm out of your swaddle. You've got chunky rolls and two chins, and I love every ounce of you. We will be getting out your 3-6 month clothing in no time, and as I put away the 0-3 months, just like when I put away your newborn clothes, it brings me joy that you are thriving, but also makes me a little sentimental that you will never be that small again. 

In these three months my love for you has grown and grown, and I cannot comprehend how much it will continue to grow over my lifetime. Thank you for all you are teaching me, and please know even when I am tired or away from you here and there that I am so happy and blessed to be your Momma.