The last drops

I knew that I would love being a mom, but I didn't know what that love would feel like.

I knew how important breastfeeding is for helping babies get off to a great start, but I didn't know what those sweet moments would feel like.

I knew that every milestone is a moment to be written down and cherished, but I didn't know what watching my son grow before my eyes would feel like.

I knew how to change diapers, swaddle, properly install a car seat, you name it, but I didn't know what being a mom would feel like.

For 16 and a half months my body has been able to feed Billy breastmilk specifically made for him, a biological tie between the two of us that no one else could provide.  I am so proud of that accomplishment, but more than that,  I have loved the sweet cuddles, rocking, singing, intimate time of just my son and I.

Looking forward and as a planner with no intention of breastfeeding for multiple years, I knew that I would need a timeline to allow myself to accept this next phase of our life without breastfeeding. It has been months of weaning down the feedings one by one, and Billy has been a champion moving forward. Sometimes he will sign for milk when he sees me walk into his room after his nap, or here and there throughout some days, but he has gone with the transitions without ever shedding a tear. But all of a sudden it seems like I blinked and it became July 1st and it was time to transition out of our bedtime nursing routine.

I knew that this day would come, but I didn't know what it would feel like.

These last drops of milk were given to my sweet little boy in a loving cuddle, rocking in his chair as he nursed to sleep. Humming songs, tears streaming, and a memory of nursing cemented on my mommy heart.

Did I know that I could have so much love for a tiny person? That these tiny moments I would want to pause and be able to relive over and over, as I know that time will just get faster and faster? Some favorite moments of my life so far are these nursing moments. I knew I would love being a baby's mommy, but I didn't know what this would feel like.

I know the joys will get better and better as Billy continues to grow and accomplish new life lessons, but looking back at these incredible 16 months of my baby growing into this incredible toddler that talks and runs and laughs and plays, I didn't know the sadness that would come with this joy. I didn't know what this would feel like.

Sleep

Nighttime sleep is so under rated. I feel as though I didn't respect it enough as I was growing up, especially during my teens, college years, and night shift days. 

Becoming a mom has made me especially appreciative of sleep and "long" stretches. Since Billy came into my life, sleep has gone from nothing (nights 1-3) to 90 minute chunks, to a few hours at a time, to now just waking 1-2 times a night. My, how life changing it is to get night sleep again. 

Now that Billy is sleeping better, I get less middle of the night cuddles and that is something I surprisingly miss. Those silent moments. Just my baby and me. Nursing, humming, rocking, sleeping. No distractions, no other people, no phone, no music, no lights. I love those precious moments. 

It fills my heart and imprints my mind with the sweetness of these tender moments and this sweet little boy. Never will I forget these special minutes, moments, sleepy baby body that has progressed from swaddle 

To Swaddle me

to arms out, 

To sleep sack. Just recently it became clear that Billy loves the sleep sack to stroke on his face and hold onto, so now we always use the sleep sack! 

As he has grown from tiny baby at 19 inches to now over 25 inches,  it will always fill my soul with happiness to remember these moments.

We have a little routine before bed, once we see a yawn or an eye rub we give him a little skin to skin massage, then Brian will put him in a nighttime diaper and Jammie's and a sleep sack. 

After dressing for bed, he will nurse in the rocking chair, Brian and I will pray over our growing baby, and then Billy and I will finish his nursing with his white noise machine, while rocking and humming. I find that I always hum the same few songs as well, they include Baby Mine (my favorite, from Dumbo), Go to sleep, I'll love you forever, Go to sleep my honey (a kappa song), and Time for sleeping (a slow version of Are you sleeping).  We rock, I hum, he nurses, I run my fingers through his hair... We love it. Nursing, humming, rocking, sleeping. Nursing. Humming. Rocking. Sleeping.  

Tonight as I was putting Billy to bed I had been holding on to him with both hands, I'm not sure why as I usually use one of my hands to stroke his hair.  His little hands have been more active as he grows and grows, and tonight they kept going up to his hair. Over and over. Over his ear and down, over his ear and down. Back and forth. Then I realized I wasn't stroking his hair, so I started running my fingers through his hair and his little hand stopped. It fell to his side. Relaxed. Nursing, humming, rocking, sleeping. Nursing. Humming. Rocking. Sleeping. How sweet of a reminder was that? Baby Billy, I love to stroke your hair. I love that you love me stroking your hair. 

Tiny forehead kisses for my sweet boy. Into his crib and then, "night night Billy I love you." Forever I will love these moments. As the book sings:

I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, 

As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.